Medicated Ramblings
by Summersetlights
Summary: After the shooting, Eli and Clare finally talk about everything that had been left unanswered.


**_Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi._**

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><p>"What would you do?" Eli asked abruptly, "If Adam had passed away tonight?"<p>

They sat in the ambulance and people worked around them, supplying Adam with everything that he needed, and Clare looked at the boy next to her. The eyeliner that usually adorned his eyes was gone and smudged on his cheeks. Tears rested on the corner Eli's eyes, and she let out a large sigh that made her whole body ache.

"I'm...not sure. I don't even want to think about. I can't even imagine it, Eli. I really can't." Clare stuttered, tears running down her puffy cheeks, "What about you?"

Eli shrugged and both knew what he would do. He'd fall back into the depression that he had just recently dug himself out of. He'd abuse his pills. He'd do anything to forget the pain, just like he did with Julia's death.

"Is-is-is this how it was when...Julia passed away?" Clare asked softly, her hand gripping onto his shoulder, trying to destroy the shivers that were traveling down his body.

"Yes and no," Eli said after a while, his tone calm, but really, there was a darker edge to it, "No one knew about Julia's accident until after she died. And yes, because once again, it's my fault."

Clare snapped her head to the side to look at him with confusion, but before she could ask anything, the backdoors of the ambulance was opening and the men started to wheel Adam out. Both Eli and Clare looked at each other once.

With this look, they promised each other that no matter what, they'd be there for Adam. No matter what.

And with this silent understanding, they walked with their heads held high and briskly walked into the hospital.

.

.

.

"And then, with their gigantic hands, they picked the dog up and ate it. It was insane, guys. You don't even understand. And I just stood there as the dog was picked up. What's a man to do, you know?" Adam spoke animatedly and sighed happily as he looked at his two best friends; who watched him with amused expressions.

"Was that a dream?" Eli asked, his voice cracking as he tried not to laugh. And the girl next to him stifled her shaking laughter.

"I don't know…is this a dream?" The heavily medicated boy retorted and he rolled his eyes. He sat up against the pillows and hummed a local furniture jingle that played on the radio every now and then, "Did I tell you guys about the tornado that I was in?" Adam suddenly said, his eyes wide and searching.

"Um. No, I don't think so." Clare murmured, staring down at her hands. Her shoulders were shaking that could only be identified as intense laughter.

"Well, my dad was getting gas for the car, and suddenly, we saw a tornado! I stayed in the car, but my dad ran. I was afraid," Adam's voice lowered and Eli and Clare both looked up in concern, "I was afraid that he wouldn't come back...to finish pumping the gas."

And at that, Eli and Clare broke into deep, thunderous laughter. Their laughter grew and shook the room and Adam looked at them with a slight smile on his face.

"You know, Clare and I should probably go. You need your rest, Adam." Eli finally said as he wiped the tears off of his cheek. His face was red and flushed, but not as puffy as Clare's.

"Sure, sure. Just watch out for those hands, okay? I mean, you guys aren't dogs, but you never know, you know?"

.

.

They casually walked out together, their hands brushing lightly. The cool night rushed to their bodies and enclosed them with the damp air. Very few clouds were in the sky and for such an odd and scary night, the atmosphere was rather calm and peaceful. The two past lovers both gazed into the distance and thought of all the events that took place. They sat at the nearest bench, both waiting for their parents and they kept still. Their heads were spinning, and everything was just hitting them now.

"Your parents are picking you up?" Eli muttered, trying to take his mind off of the night. Clare nodded and pursed her lips. She twiddled with her thumbs and the silence picked back up.

"...I can't believe that happened, Eli." Clare whispered, her voice coming out scratchy and weak. And the boy took her hand and squeezed it.

"Out of everyone, it was Adam. The one fucking person who didn't deserve it." Eli muttered angrily, his breath coming out sharp and rapid.

Clare closed her eyes and tears rippled down her pale face. They were both emotionally drained. Both of them just wanted to go home and forget that their best friend was in the hospital and could have died. They thought about going to school without Adam and reading comic books without him and living life without their crazy best friend. It seemed odd to think about, and just the idea made them want to throw up.

"It wasn't your fault, you know," Clare said after a while, her voice casual, bringing up what they didn't finish on the trip to the hospital, "In both situations, of course."

"Yeah?" Eli scoffed, and glanced at her, his expression skeptical, "I should have pushed Adam out of the way. I should have made sure that Julia was safe. I should have pushed her out of the way too. All these people...they're hurt and dead because of me, Clare."

"That gunshot could have gone to anyone. Did you pull the trigger? Did you point the gun at Adam and threaten his life? No. Eli, you didn't. And if you believe that it's your fault that you didn't push him out of the way, then it's also my fault and Drew's and Jake's and Bianca's. It's not your goddamn fault, and I wish you could see that."

"But I should have been there for him. I should have moved him out of the way with me! I should have-"

"God, Eli!" Clare half-shrieked, "Stop! You need to learn that you can't save everyone. You can't make sure that everyone is safe. Sometimes, you have to let people fend for themselves. You can only control your actions."

"Yeah, maybe this wasn't my fault. But Julia. You honestly can't fucking tell me that it's not my fault."

"Did you run her over?" Eli started to retort, but Clare simply put her hand up and stopped his snapped sentence, "Tell me; did you run her over?"

"No, but-"

"No! Stop! You made a mistake, Eli. You didn't know that after the fight, she'd pass away. You didn't know that. And you didn't kill her. It's not your fault. It has never been your fault. You didn't hurt Adam. You didn't kill Julia. You are just Elijah Goldsworthy and you're the most compassionate person that I know."

"Compassionate?" Eli barked a laugh, but his eyes not sharing the amusement, "What makes you say that?"

"Some people in the world don't have compassion. They have none. And then, there are people like you. People that have so much compassion that they take blame and feel everything that happens in the world. But, you can't do that, Eli. You're going to sink. You can only control you. That's it."

Eli nodded distantly, and then a smile broke out on his dry lips, "You sure know how to boost my ego, Edwards."

"That's what I'm here for, right?" She joked, and grinned, leaving a small silence over the two. The night grew darker and they stayed silent. Their conversation was over, and instead of an awkward feel, things felt...at home. In fact, with every passing moment, their hands slowly gravitated towards each other. They had both helped each other out this night. Eli helped Clare with her Jake situation and Clare helped him with his issues with himself. But most of all, they helped each other realize that their friend was alive and to not dwell on the fact that he could have been killed.

A loud honk interrupted the silence, and their hands snapped away from each other. They both glared at the waiting car in anger, but when Clare realized that it was her mom, she stood up and threw her bag over her shoulder. She turned to Eli and smiled lightly, almost shyly.

"Look, I'm coming here tomorrow at noon...would you like to come?"

"On one condition, though," Eli bargained, a smirk playing on his lips, "Meet me for a coffee before. At The Dot. ...So we can get stuff for Adam, of course."

"Of course," Clare teased, but her smile then dropped, "Fine. But on one condition."

"You can't make a condition on a condition, Edwards. It just doesn't work that way," Eli retorted, but when the girl simply stood there with her hand on her hip, Eli sighed and nodded, "...Fine. What is it?"

"You pay."

With that little rushed sentence, Clare turned around swiftly and skipped away to her awaiting mother, knowing that the boy was watching her. But, instead of being irritated, Eli simply grinned and laughed. He felt...lighter than he had in ages. Eli started to think about Adam's weird words as Clare and her mother drove away. And he thought about the tornado and how the hand grabbed the dog.

And as Eli sat alone waiting for his parents, he knew that a giant hand could snatch him up, and he'd still be grinning.

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><p><strong><em>So, I'm sorry if this isn't good. I have strep and I'm taking medicine and you wouldn't believe how out of it I am.<em>**

**_Review, please? :)_**


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